Katie Sepanski- My Brother from Another Mother

Anxiously running around the house and trying to make everything perfect, my sisters, grandmother and I were awaiting the arrival of my new brother. We spent all day making sure the toys in his room were placed perfectly, the cake was decorated with frosting letters saying “Welcome, John” in our best Russian, and that dinner would be ready when my parents returned. Today was the day we would finally meet the newest member of our family after a grueling nine-month process.

Lots of thought went into the decision to make our family of five grow into the nice even number of six. My parents had always said they would have three biologically and if they felt like they were supposed to have a fourth kid they would adopt. At the end of eighth grade, while living in Germany, my parents got that feeling. Then started the nine months of chaos, who knew that adopting was as long as a normal pregnancy and at times just as stressful? Between home studies, lots of paperwork, and a trip to Ukraine that failed, it seemed like it was a never-ending process. We even tried to learn Russian by CD while in the car. Even though we were doing our best to imitate the person on the recording, it was obvious that this might be more difficult than we thought. The only thing I remember now is pronounced phonetically: ya knee pin ee my oh Paruski, the ever so helpful phrase, “I do not speak much Russian”. Finally, they were sent back to Ukraine, Grandma Marg, returned to take care of us, and we got the e-mail saying they had found a brother for us!

When our parents arrived, the exuding excitement might have led one to believe a spontaneous trip to Disney World was announced. Running out to greet our brother, who knew no word of English, we immediately took him to the park. We instantly bonded taking him on the merry-go-round, trampoline, and swings. Our first dinner as a whole family was spaghetti, and everyone was all smiles. On this day and the next few following, life seemed sweet.

Unfortunately, the honeymoon period of adopting an eight year old with a terrible past, lasted only for a short while. It did not take long to realize how much John’s former life had affected him, and how much of a struggle it would be to overcome the obstacles. The language barrier and bad habits were difficult to deal with, but most importantly, the way his brain functions continues to complicate normal life.

Shower time for John was comparable to the chest waxing scene in 40 Year Old Virgin. By that, I mean lots of screaming, crying, and painful for both parties involved. Not used to the routine of having to shower daily, once John knew English we heard a lot of (cue Russian accent here) “Three showers, three days, oh my gosh vut eees it?!” He also had no concept of changing socks or and had to learn how to use a regular toilet. My sisters and I took these things for granted, but growing up in the slums and eventually an orphanage, foreign concepts such as hygiene took some getting used to.

John would later be diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD, which explains why he had some peculiar behaviors. It is a product of being neglected as a child, especially in the early years. Those diagnosed with RAD have a need to control people and situations because they feel insecure. One perfect example of this was his compulsion with pushing buttons. In the middle of watching TV he would turn it off, or whenever he left or entered a room he would flick the light switch. Making coffee in the morning was his favorite because he was able to push the button.

Not all days were marked with depression and frustration. John’s first Christmas wins the award for most enthusiasm filled. Never receiving presents on this holiday, the joy he exhibited was out of this world. Opening his big bag of Spiderman gifts, and still having a thick accent, cries of “spidoo! spidoo!” made us realize what Christmas is all about. As the rest of us opened our gifts, he showed even more excitement than we did. It was one day we could forget about the hardships, enjoying each other’s company and share in the spirit of giving.

Moving to Virginia the following summer provided a new start for our family. While the rest of us were sad, John felt a sense of relief knowing that he was an even further physical distance away from his past. However, the behaviors stayed the same. Now, instead of showers causing fits, when it came time to do homework his behavior was reminiscent of those screaming kids in Wal-Mart whose parents won’t buy them candy. Frustrations built so high in our family that my sisters and I would spend nights crying to our parents on the back porch wondering if the Sepanski household would ever be the same. John had taken to stealing things like iPods, money, and tools from the family while stealing scissors from his classroom. Things were getting out of control and the relationship between the smiley kid from Ukraine and his exhilarated sisters turned into a constant battle.

Fortunately, my parents found a psychologist, an expert on John’s condition, who actually diagnosed it. He taught my parents ways to discipline and explained how his brain has not made the same connections as those who are securely attached because of his abusive and neglected past. The psychologists help has improved life a lot, but things are still difficult for him and us. When given too much independence he has to be reigned back in or his desire to control situations becomes overbearing. Someone always has to be home with him because of trust issues. Other families who do not know my brother’s background criticize us of punishing him too hard, because they do not understand what it is like to live with someone with RAD.

It has been four and a half years since my brother became a Sepanski. He no longer has a thick accent, forgets his old language, and reads more books than anyone I’ve ever seen. We love him, but know the challenges are still there as he begins to face the difficulties of adolescence. As “teenage angst” sets in, parenting and being a sibling of a child with such a harsh background will continue to throw obstacles. I hope that one day he will realize how much we care for him and be able to attach to us more and more as we grow as a family.